Ask a former Islamic terrorist

During my recent debate with evangelical Islamophobe Walid Shoebat (listen here)  I noticed that he responds to all questions with pretty much the same set of stock answers. When asked about the Illuminati, the differences between the different monotheistic scriptures, or the definition of terrorism in general, Shoebat’s answer was always the same: “Blah blah blah Islamic terrorism.”

Since Shoebat and his handlers are making so much money off this schtick, they might as well start an advice column. (Apologies to the Onion.)

Ask a Former Islamic Terrorist
A new advice column I’m ghostwriting for Walid Shoebat

Dear Former Islamic Terrorist,
I recently learned that my boyfriend has been sneaking into the bathroom with my cell phone. At first I thought he was doing something sick with it. When I confronted him, he said he just feels safer in there with two cell phones, in case one of them broke down or something while he was having a heart attack. Is this normal?
Puzzled in Buffalo

Dear Puzzled in Buffalo,
Let’s not kid ourselves, the real issue is Islamic terrorism. It’s a major threat to this country. It’s a major threat to the world. We’ve had since 9/11 about 14,000 terror attacks from Muslims fundamentalists coming from all over the world. In fact, suicide bombing exists in Muslim countries that virtually have no occupation. Islamic terrorism comes straight out of the Qur’an. It’s time we took the bull by the tail and looked the facts in the face.
Former Islamic Terrorist

Dear Former Islamic Terrorist,
I don’t have any money for health insurance, and now they’re going to fine me for not having any. Since I can’t afford advice from a doctor, and yours is free, I thought I’d ask you why my bowel movements are bright florescent yellow with a rubbery texture. They look sort of like giant banana slugs. Is this serious?
Need a Cheap Diagnosis Fast

Dear Need a Cheap Diagnosis Fast,
Islamic terrorism is a cult-like process that indoctrinates masses in unison, in order to convert Islamic masses to become remorseless killers and seekers of salvation through the sharing of their own blood during jihad warfare, in order to establish an Islamic hegemony in which Islam and Muslims become dominant, and non-Muslims become subservient.
Former Islamic Terrorist

Dear Former Islamic Terrorist,
The other day I accidentally dropped my husband’s bowling ball on my toe. Since then I haven’t been able to type more than thirty words a minute, so I lost my job. He says it’s my fault because I had no business juggling with it in the first place. Do you think I should sue him?
Litigious in Lexington

Dear Litigious in Lexington,
My mother was held for 35 years in an Israeli-occupied Muslim country and they wouldn’t even let her go to the bathroom! By the end of her stay, she was so full of shit that…well, let’s just say I inherited her gift of gab. That’s what we should really be talking about here today. But let’s not fool ourselves. The real threat is Islamic terrorism.
Former Islamic Terrorist